In Braving the Wilderness, writer Brene Brown tells of a village where all the women washed clothes together down by the river. When they all got washing machines, there was a sudden outbreak of depression among them, and no one seemed to know why. It wasn’t the washing machines, per se, but the lack of time spent together…surely laughing, recounting stories, and generally commiserating.
Whether it’s another tragic side effect of the pandemic or not, it sure seems like women are having a crisis of friendship these days. I belong to a plethora of social media groups that are woman and, many times, mom-centric, and this has emerged as a theme across the board.
The Complicated Nature of the Female Friendship
Decondition What You’ve Learned: That Women Are Your Competition
What’s interesting is we’ve all seen the memes about lifting one another’s crowns, and yet that doesn’t seem to be what we’re doing for one another. If anything, the competition between women seems to have hit a fever pitch, and perhaps that’s because we’re told to lean in, lean out, do the hokie pokie. The research even pointed out that primarily women voters weren’t ready for a female president in 2016.
That’s likely why Jamie Lee Curtis’s reaction to her co-star, actress Michelle Yeoh, winning best actress for her role in Everything Everywhere All at Once resonated so much with women.
Even better was entrepreneur Erin Gallagher’s reaction to the famous photo and the moment on LinkedIn:
“Full on. Full force…
Look at Jamie Lee Curtis.
Look. At. Her.
You can feel her energy, her power.
Her excitement, joy and passion for Michelle is palpable. The photo moves. It vibrates.
If you saw this photo without context, you may think that it was actually *Jamie* who won.
Ladies, this is your vibe for 2023.
Hype. Other. Women.
When she wins, fight the urge to question…
…who does she think she is?
…why is she getting attention?
…did she really deserve it?
…is she really that good?
…what about me?
Guess what? The world has sold you a lie.
Her success doesn’t detract from yours.
Her wins don’t create your losses.
Her joy can’t steal the joy that’s meant for you.
De-condition and unlearn what you’ve been wired to think: that women are your competition.
It’s a trap. Meant to distract us. And to keep us keeping each other down.”
Wow, just wow. If this isn’t the ultimate mic drop, I don’t know what is. “De-condition and unlearn what you’ve been wired to think: that women are your competition.” That right there is everything.
Three friends came into town this past weekend, and we had an interesting conversation about this topic. One of my friends presented an interesting theory. She said that because of the glass ceiling that was very much real in the workplace (and undoubtedly still is in some companies), women have had to claw and fight to get to the top more so than their male counterparts, so taking down other women had to become part of being a woman in the working world. Makes you think, right?
If you’re like me, social media can occasionally make you jealous. That sounds awful, and it’s tough to admit, but it’s true. Whether it’s a pic of someone’s toes in the sand when I’m drowning in debt or a loving post about a person’s husband when I’m divorced, it can hit me like a ton of bricks. In the end, though, I know that I want the best for these people, and I remind myself that just because my life is tough right now doesn’t mean it will always be that way.
Even if I’m not feeling it, I try to leave a positive comment on posts like the ones I just mentioned. It took practice at first, but now it honestly comes naturally. It helps me get beyond the envy that I feel and, in its place, is peace. Okay, “peace” may be a stretch, but at least there’s an absence of bitterness.
Read more: Strengthening Sisterhood: Navigating The Bonds Of Female Relationships
Take it From Celine Dion – The Heart Will Go On
Writing about female friendships is particularly hard for me, as I’ve had many, many issues over the years with some of my closest female friends. So much so that it would take me well over 8,000 words just to put these stories down on paper. And I’ve been told not to dwell, but this struggle is always with me.
For a long time, I decided not to try at all, lest my heart be smashed to bits yet again. I’ll never forget a call with my therapist during the pandemic. I mentioned this desire to never try again in passing, and she stopped me in my tracks.
“Marnie,” she said sternly. “You can’t mean that. Never? What are we even doing here then?”
“Susan,” I replied angrily, for probably the first and only time in our long history with one another. “You’re the one who has told me to protect my heart, and yet you’re now telling me to put myself out there again? We know how this ends.”
Fast-forward to today, and I have a small but loyal group of friends. One of whom saw a lonely mom at a baseball game with a tough exterior and saw fit to break that down, one White Claw at a time. Hey, I’m nothing if not a cheap date. The closeness I feel has made all the difference during other rough times I’ve recently experienced.
I’m no self-help guru, but if there’s one thing others can take away from my experience, it’s that you still have to put your heart out there; risks be damned. It’s terrifying at first, but it pays off big dividends.
One caveat, however—never let people tell you, “It’s time to move on,” even if they mean well, which most do. The truth is that healing, especially when the hurt runs deep, is subjective, and the timeline differs from person to person.
The Truth About Low-Hanging Fruit and Friendship
As we age, we also get busy. So, so busy. And sometimes, just this simple fact plays a role in female friendships. We take the low-hanging fruit, and our friends are often the people we sit next to at our children’s sporting events. And there’s nothing wrong with that, save for the fact that it’s hard to create meaningful relationships with these people.
You might grab a beer together after the game, but they won’t be the people you turn to when your marriage hits the skids, or your dad gets diagnosed with dementia.
If you’re like me, and I’m sure many of you are, you might be living somewhere that isn’t the place you consider home. And if you do, you live among many women who have lived there all their lives, and their dance cards are full.
I’ve been sitting at baseball games before and had women discuss something they’ve done with each other right in front of me. I genuinely don’t think they realize how hurtful that is. For them, it’s just another weekend spent together. For me, divorced and alone on many nights, it can be excruciating.
One thing I’ve tried to do when I feel like this is put myself in their shoes. Are they trying to be hurtful? I don’t think so. If I were back in my home suburb of Chicago and someone else moved there, I could picture myself doing the same thing. I might be super friendly with that person/mom at the game but may not even consider inviting them to something outside of baseball, as I’d likely be busy with the mainstay crew.
I think that’s a good lesson, though, isn’t it? I’d like to think that I am and always will be a “more room at the table” kind of person, and perhaps we can all be more mindful of this in our daily lives.
And then there’s social media. I know I keep mentioning it but pardon me briefly—it can be a real dick. Of course, it’s a blessing and a curse. Who doesn’t love the memories that pop up here and there of our kids—who are now giant, moody things that grunt here and there and eat all your food—in footie pajamas on the night before Santa visits? That’s the good stuff.
But there’s so much negativity that we deal with on there. Unrealistic expectations. False representations. And if you’re like me, a front-row seat to the social life you no longer have.
I learned that I had to scale way back on my social media intake, and I recommend this to everyone. At the very least, it can help to take an occasional hiatus or remove the app from your phone.
When I do things like this, I try to remember something my therapist has always told me. Take in the good. It’s so simple, yet I didn’t see anything good to take in when I was going through my divorce.
Over time and with her constant reminders, I’d smile at a conversation between my sons when they didn’t know I was listening. I’d snap a pic of my pugs so intertwined they looked like one. Even a good TV show. And, yes, I take in so much good now that I have female friends who have my back, unequivocally and without judgment.
Read more: The Role of Relationships in Well-Being
Spread Kindness Like It’s Free (Because It Is)
If you’re like me, and you’re waiting for your “tribe” or crew, just be patient. It’ll happen. In the meantime, learn from others who have hurt you what not to do, as that’s an important lesson, too. And if you’ve landed a seat at a table, remember what it feels like to long to do so and make room. We’re serving charcuterie and wine; there’s always plenty to go around.
Empathy and kindness. Spread those things like glitter that won’t get caught in your carpet for the next millennium.
And last but not least—don’t forget the washing machines. Think back to how this article started—with the women who became depressed after getting washing machines, as they’d lost their connection to one another.
Imma hit you on the head with something that might either seem obvious from my words or may blow your mind, but social media is the washing machine. It’s kept us from nurturing authentic connections in our lives, and one of those is the female friendship, which can be the buoy that saves you when you feel like you’re drowning.
All you need is to watch one minute of the news right now to know that life can be brutal. But it can also be beautiful.
As author Glennon Doyle says, it can be “brutiful”. It’s unnecessary to give up social media altogether, but don’t miss out on the other opportunities—to share a hug, a laugh, a story about more than the carpool line with your friends. In a world where Alexa is often the only “voice” we hear in a day, there’s nothing quite like it.
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