I’m here to tell you a story about divorce with a happy ending that you might not expect in that it doesn’t involve me finding a new partner. I know, gasp! Happy without a partner? Pearl-clutching is allowed and somewhat expected. But it’s true—you can find happiness with…wait for it…yourself!

This isn’t to say that I haven’t tried to find a partner. I’ve gone on dating apps. I’ve gone on dates. And they’ve been the stuff of nightmares but also possibly fodder for a hilarious TV show. Hollywood, call me! I’ve snuck out back doors of bars and even broke my arm after leaving one date, but those are stories for another day. 

The truth is, for whatever reason, I don’t have an easy time meeting love interests. And I’ve always been that way.

I’ve known women all my life who have gone from one partner to the next without any breaks in between. I often think of this one friend (really more of an acquaintance) who went through a divorce at the very same time as me.

We both started the process about 10 years back. She met a man when the ink on her marital settlement agreement was barely dry, married him about two years later, and has since had another child with him, adding to the two girls she had from her previous marriage. Am I envious? Some days, absolutely yes. But again, for whatever reason the universe has chosen for me, that doesn’t seem to be my path. 

Read more: Top 15 Activities To Do On A First Date

My Surprising Post-Divorce Life

Let’s Talk About Those Initial Days

The reason for divorce is as varied as the patterns on a snowflake but there’s nearly almost always one common denominator—pain—at least in those initial days. Otherwise, why would you be getting divorced? 

In my case, I knew divorce wouldn’t be easy, especially with two kids. However, the alternative was living in an unhappy marriage, which I couldn’t have survived. I was the one who initiated the divorce, which also carries a significant burden.

Again, I hadn’t deluded myself into thinking any of it would be easy. I’m nothing if not a realist. What I didn’t expect was for people to take sides and for me to lose a significant amount of friends. Mind you, my divorce also took place during the 2016 election, and without making this into a political piece, let’s just say that I was also losing my damn mind. 

I hadn’t anticipated the isolation. I’m what one would call a “social butterfly.” Before the divorce, our house was the party house. We had people over for every occasion, and I was always complimented on these soirees for being a blast and for my house being cozy. I loved that. 

An interesting thing happened during this time. I went to see my ex-husband about something at his new place, and as he was on the phone for work, he waved me inside. We have always had an up-and-down relationship, and our post-divorce life was the same. This was obviously a good day, as he let me inside as he finished his call.

This gave me the time to observe without him realizing. I surveyed the place, his bachelor pad. I noticed the book on the table (on veganism—he was definitely dating someone!) and the decor on his walls (from our old place). Questions came, such as, “Did I know he took the wine fridge?” Plants! “Those will last a day,” I thought to myself. 

What really struck me was how pleasant it all seemed, his life without me. Oh, the irony, I thought. I ended the relationship to be happy, and, to be honest, I was beyond miserable. And here he was, seemingly thriving. I felt the bile rise in my throat.

It’s not that I regretted my decision or even wished him ill (at least not on that particular day). It’s just that I realized right then that just because I was the one who initiated the divorce didn’t mean that I didn’t have to put in the work on myself and my life for the sake of my boys and my own happiness.

The Inevitable Curveballs

The thing about divorce is life doesn’t stand still for you to get adjusted, just as with anything else. You’re still going to get other curveballs thrown at you, and boy, I seemed to have them coming in hot.

My parents moved away from me to retire. My best friend of 16 years stole from me and then took ME to court for harassment for asking for my money back. I got laid off from one job and outright fired from another without ever having gotten one formal review or any negative feedback. I had a flood in my rental unit. My dad got dementia and both my parents, who were now living across the country from me, started having significant health issues. I even had to fly out there a day after they lived through a hurricane. 

It was, quite frankly, a lot.

And let’s not forget that little thing that rhymes with Schmovid. That was probably the most interesting part of my post-divorce journey, as the playing field was suddenly level. Everyone had to “hunker down” and isolate, so my recent loss of friends due to divorce didn’t feel so obvious. I remember when friends would hop on social media and lament the effects of social isolation. I’d complain right along with them, but inside, I was secretly dreading the day the world would open again, and it would only be me that was by myself.

Of course, the world did open up, and I made it through. Many people probably feel this way, but I learned a lot about myself during that time. First of all, I love my own company, so the idea of being alone wasn’t quite so scary. Secondly, I learned that I could do many things with the help of YouTube alone. For someone who had a fairly traditional marriage in which he did the handy stuff and I did the shopping and cooking (my feminist side cringes just writing this), I realized that I could solve a lot of problems on my own.

I used to say things like, “That’s not in my wheelhouse,” and it was my therapist who finally gave me a reality check on that. “Marnie, it’s all your wheelhouse now,” she said. “It has to be.” This was huge. Adapt or die, as the saying goes, and as it turned out, I wasn’t so terrible at adapting. 

The Parenting/Divorce Misconception

I have my Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and did my practicum and internship in the school system, so there’s no way I will say that divorce doesn’t negatively impact kids. In some cases, it absolutely does, and I’m sure we can all say we’ve witnessed that.

What I know now, though, is that divorce doesn’t always have to wreak havoc on kids, and my boys are living proof. 

“Kids are resilient.” I hear that often, and it’s usually coming from people who secretly feel like they’re doing something that’s about to hurt their children. The thing is, it’s true. No one adapts more quickly than kids; at least that was the case for my guys. 

We’ve had the inevitable bumps in the road, and still, to this day, are a complete shit show when it comes to having the right uniforms at the right home on the right days. Organization is and never has been our forte.

I’ve got a funny story that relates to that. I was once on my way to the doctor in the next town. I got a call from my ex with the boys on speaker phone, and one of them blurted out, “Mom, you have our backpacks!”

Shit, meet fan

For better or worse, shit had met fan in this regard many times before, so without missing a beat, I pulled off to the side of the road and threw their backpacks onto the grass. I knew they had to go that way to school anyway. Did I look like a crazy person doing so? Absolutely. Was this the best solution? Probably not. But this is how our life is, and the boys have come to accept it, and thankfully, we can even laugh about stories like this.

Now, it’s time for a brief mom-brag moment. My older son recently got called into the office by his baseball coach. Unbeknownst to him, every year, the coaches of each team choose the most respectful teammate, and this year, it was my son. Anyone who has met him would say, “Yep, that tracks.” I’ve not done everything right, but this proved that I’ve done some things right. 

My younger son went through a rough patch in school last year and, for whatever reason, began to lie to us about getting his assignments done. The ex and I came together to devise a fitting punishment, which wasn’t easy, as my ex wanted to take away sports, and I wasn’t on board with that. We ultimately compromised and took away one sport. In the end, my son was diagnosed with ADD. He went to summer school, we made some adjustments, and he completely turned things around this year.

Again, there will always be stumbling blocks, but that’s true for any parent. And one thing divorce has done for me is help me discover a newfound respect for my ex. I admire that he can be stricter than I am. I love how he cooks for the boys (okay, there’s maybe a bit of resentment that it took a divorce for this to happen, but I’m a work in progress). His relationship with them is completely different than mine, and I even appreciate that. 

If you’ve got kids, I would always recommend you factor them into your decision about a possible divorce. It’d be harmful and irresponsible not to. My message, though, is that staying together “for the kids” isn’t always the way to go, either. They see. They hear. They know. And they understand. And staying together for their sake isn’t always going to be the most positive lesson for them.

My Surprising Post-Divorce Life

I feel like a boomer saying this (IYKYK), but there’s also some truth to the fact that a bit of hardship can be good for kids. How else do they learn to manage difficult situations if they can always hit the easy button? We have much less money than all their friends, as we live in a very affluent area in SoCal. My boys know they’re not going to get the latest e-bike or $250 Nikes, and when I do save up to splurge on something like that, the appreciation they show lets me know that they understand what a big deal that is. 

I’ve seen my boys negotiate this divorce with more maturity than I was aware they had in them. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I can recall times that I’ve dissed their dad in front of them despite telling myself that I would never do that, and they’ve called me on the carpet for it.

And good on them for doing so. I firmly believe that we can learn a ton from our kids, and I know the divorce has helped me do so. One of those things is unconditional love. My kids have seen me fail time and time again, and yet I know they love me regardless.  

TLDR

I’d never in a million years tell anyone considering divorce that this has been an easy path for me, as it’s been one of, if not THE most challenging things I’ve ever done. It’s also shown me that I am stronger than I ever knew was possible. In fact, if and when I do finally meet someone, the most difficult part might be making room, as my boys and I have a pretty good thing going. 

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